If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
