God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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