i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
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