I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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