Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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