Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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