He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
