meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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