I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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