I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
