feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
