I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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