My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Just cropdusted the office
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
