Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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