Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
