there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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