Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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