I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
