I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
