I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
