I can't breathe out the right side of my face
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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