highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
