the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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