I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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