dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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