Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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