Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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