So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
