They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
