i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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