goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
