They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
