in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
