I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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