I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
