I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
