I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
