I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
