ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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