We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
