My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
