My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
