If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
