I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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