Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
