if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
she told me i tasted like america
Let's paint friendship bongs
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize