i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
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