went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
