I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I still have a little drunk in my system
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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