well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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