I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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