I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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