if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize