I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
