there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You need Xanax blowdarts
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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