I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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