He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize
