We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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